Congratulations, you survived the end of the world. That means you’re very capable, pretty clever, or extremely lucky. Regardless of how you survived, not dying is just the beginning, and life after the apocalypse is not going to be easy. Be prepared for the end of the world as we know it and the post-apocalypse with Wasteland Hacks. 

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No matter how prepared you are for the end of the world, you’re never truly prepared for the end of your toilet paper stash. It looked like enough. It took up an entire room in the house. But it’s never enough and at some point, that last sheet will sail and you’ll be left with an empty toilet paper roll in one hand and a shitload of trouble in the other. It looks like you’ll have to take matters into your own hands. Or will you? Here are a few options for when the Charmin gets scarce.

Mother Nature’s Softer Side

If Mother Nature is still around, then you’ve got some options close at hand. These include leaves, moss and even unopened pine cones. You’ll want to avoid anything poisonous or rash inducing, obviously. And anything prickly is going to be a last resort. Cacti are right out. If you can find it, fresh mullein leaves are Mother Nature’s Cottonelle.                       

Frozen Assets

If the leaves are bare because of a whole nuclear winter situation, you can make a snowball, grit your teeth and get down to business. On the whole, it will get you clean but leave you a little numb in the end.

Reach Rock Bottom

Smooth rocks are another option. How smooth is up to you. A little texture will help remove matter. But too much rough and you’ll be walking funny for a bit. Size is also a matter of personal preference.

All the News that Fit for…

It’s time for the Gray Lady to get her hands dirty. Newsprint is soft and journalism went to shit a long time ago. It’s only fitting that yellow journalism gets it in the end.

The Shirt Off Your Back

Good old fashion rags are a great option for a TP stand in. They shouldn’t be hard to find. Rags are any cloth no one’s using. And there are a lot of people not using a lot of cloth in the apocalypse so it should be everywhere. I’d actually start here and move rocks, moss, and butt-numbing fists of snow further down the list of contingency wipes. Rags are where it’s at.

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There you have it. Five options for keeping the apocalypse a little cleaner than you found it.  

And for the love of all the has is holey, wash your hands.

Have a great apocalypse.

Ben